I'm searching for something...

I'm searching for something... // -->

Sunday, August 31

Can't seem to concentrate on my studies. One more week to go. I feel as if i am already burn out. Always feel like sleeping. Sleep le still tired. The mindset i had last sunday and today is totally worlds apart. I felt as if i already lost the war. When i flip open the textbooks, got that kind of "sian" feeling. Then immediately want to close the book and return to bed. Got to drag myself out of the bed and discipline myself to study. So tired. One more week... *yAwN* =/

Heli Dont ask me why 10:15 AM

Saturday, August 30

Passed by so many people, all of them heading for their own destination. Most of us wouldn't know when will we reach. And the sad thing is, some of us don't even know where are we heading. I often stop in my life just to look back. I pondered about the things i had done and gone through. Some of them are memorable, that you wish that you stay in that period of time forever. some of them are tough and rare.. that it suddenly took a person right out of the blue. I would say that i had gone through quite a number of hurdles.. so much so that, when somethings befall on friends around me, i get so worried about how they are feeling and so much so that it hurts me too.

I observed their expression. Actually sometimes i really wish i have the supernatural power of seeing what's going on in their mind. And the way they moved about, the way they talked, shows somehow their one side of character. But most of the times, i would be more concern about the elders. Sometimes you could see a few pulling the cardboard around.. trying to earn a living. When i see them like this, though they are not at all related to me, i felt so.. pitiful for them. And i asked, "where is their sons or daughters?" How would they bear to leave them like this?

You see, my mind is constantly always thinking and thinking. I don't like to think, but its not within my means. What's worst, my thoughts are always pessimistic. The next thing most of you would say, "Look on the bright side of life." Thank you but it's useless saying it to me. Much as i want to, everytime it's in vain. You know, i always know how to console others.. talk to them about how life is such and so on.. and then i thought, "What if one day i met someone like me?" It left me dumbfounded. So i thought is pretty tough and quite unlucky when i am down for all of you who tried to talk me around.. right? Anyway, thanks a lot people. It's been a hard time talking to me and enduring my nonsense. luv you all. =/

Heli Dont ask me why 4:44 PM

Tuesday, August 26

I have been feeling very bad and guilty lately. I feel that i owe my dad a lot. He has done a lot for me, but i show little appreciation. When i need money, i just need to ask from him, he would just reach for his wallet and give me. But i wouldn't know if he has enough for himself a not.. or is he facing any economic problems?

Was it because i don't care about him? Or was it because i just don't know how to? Sometimes in car while he is driving me to school, i really feel like asking you know.. how is he.. and i badly want to know if he is facing any difficulties.. i really don't know how to start a conversation with him at all. Sometimes when friends come my house, i don't know, but just got that courage to speak up and talk to him. Can't figure out why...

Perhaps i am still not used to talking to the family at all. There are still many steps i have to take to go near them. And i think its good and i feel relieved that my dad has found himself another partner. At least she can provide him with happiness.. at least she can accompany him, talk to him.. i am not a good daughter i suppose.. i don't take care of him well.. it's been a long time.. and i wonder how he is feeling now.. has he let go of my mum? is he able to let go the past and carry on with life like what he is showing me now? these are questions i would really really like to ask.. but... words just simply don't come out from my mouth. =X

Heli Dont ask me why 6:28 PM

Sunday, August 24

You know, so many things happened.. and all things are not going smoothly at all. Sometimes i just want to stand by the roadside and then watch the cars passed by me.. one by one.. what has the world come to.. what has my life come to.. sometimes.. really just feel like giving up on studying.. giving up on everything.. just let me walk alone.. anywhere..

i went to see him today again. and i sort of understand how he is feeling.. and then.. everything just come back to me again.. i got hold of myself.. i can't cry.. at least in front of him. i am suppose to be consoling him.. and not the other way round.

pointless. no point thinking.. when she's gone. i don't know how am i feeling now.. i just know.. i am not happy. you know, it really brings me back the times i was at my mum's funeral. i see her lying in the coffin.. i really feel like smashing the coffin.. and i really want to shake her up.. i want to shout to her to wake up.. how can she bear to leave her own daughter.. a daughter she has raised for.. 15 yrs.. i mean.. really it's hard to control the agony that's built within me.. she's so close to you.. yet she's so far.. i.. am really helpless then.. everybody came.. i see you guys come, deep within me i am glad. but i don't know what to say to you.. and i guess you don't know what to say to me too. and i thank all of you that went there.. you know.. just to see if i am alright.. and i sort of understand how you guys feel when the news was announced to you.. it's really.. so shocking.. that you couldn't believe your ears.. and the next thing is, you will start to worry.. i don't know what to say either.. when i hear the news myself.. i mean.. "can you repeat again??" it's just all too sudden to accept.. i don't know how to go about.. accepting it...???? it's a nightmare.. i reached the hospital.. i see her lying in bed.. i also don't know what to do.. my dad was crying.. my brothers were holding back their tears with puffy red eyes.. i am a girl.. and i couldn't control.. i went to her bed.. i reached out for her head and touched her face.. i called out for her name softly.. she just..

i don't know what to carry on.. yes.. i am brought back to this part of memories.. whereby i don't know when can i forget.. when can i let go.. it's impossible to forget.. some told me to recall the happy memories i had with her instead of the sad memories.. happy memories.. i tried hard to recall but to me.. i think at the most would be the times i was with her.. there's one time.. i would never be able to forget.. she quarreled with my uncles and left.. i was with her.. and we were walking together to the bustop.. all the way she was crying.. and i still remember there was moon in the sky then.. i asked her why is the moon always following us.. she couldn't answer me.. because she's crying.. i told her.. "mummy.. bu yao ku.. heli bu yao mummy ku.. bu ran yue liang ye hui ku.." i was only 5 or 6 then...

10 years.. i would never forget this. she is still living in my mind. when i was at the funeral, i was worried about my family then. but i think, my brothers and dad are getting on with life. moreover dad had another partner and getting married at the end of this year. there's nothing for me to worry about anymore. three of them are getting on with their life. somehow, i just feel it's only me. i am the only one left. i don't know when will i get going.. when can i let go.. I know its pointless to think of her always.. how i wish i could get them out of my mind too.. i want to be and ordinary girl.. as normal as everyone else..

she just left like this.. without saying anything.. i wouldn't know if she know that she had died.. just suddenly fainted.. so extremely sudden.. that morning i just saw her alighting from the car.. how would i know that that would be the last place.. the last time i would see her.. i got so much to say to her.. and i think she got so much to tell me too.. i miss her.. i really miss her.. god is so unkind.. even when in dreams, i couldn't even see her face.. i am not going to see her again.. i will never be able to.. just learn to cherish everyone people.. you may never know when is the last time you are going to see them.. don't regret till the last minute like i am now.. regrets is the worst thing you would ever want to consume in your life.. i will never get a chance to tell her that she will be the best and only mum i will ever had..

Heli Dont ask me why 12:58 AM

Thursday, August 21

Guess certain thing in life is really predestined. I came home early today. I came online and decided to post my thoughts and feelings to the student leaders. And i think, God is making fun of me. I typed at least.. about 2000 words?? and then when i posted it... and then something cropped out.. and there goes my entry.. typed so much.. yet i couldn't let all of you read.. or issit its fated that i shouldn't say anything about this??

past few days.. going around with a sore heart.. i don't know what i am living these few days.. i look at you guys.. and i know the answer.. i go online and visit blogs.. my heart ache.. tell me what to do.. i am shacking inside.. why does it hurts me so..

Heli Dont ask me why 10:30 PM

Tuesday, August 19

actually.. is anyone waiting for me to comment anything about the SL board..? anyone waiting for me to say something to make you stay in the board? well.. i want to comment.. very much like to.. but why do you guys want to hear(if you want to)..? i don't know what am i saying. i am sounding as though i am a very big shot but in fact.. i am just any other ordinary people. actually why should i feel sad.. or feel anything about it.. prelims next week.. i should be concentrating on my studies.. i can't explain why. or can i? do you know? or do you choose not to know? again, i am asking some unimportant questions.. i am a hypocrite.. ain i.. i say so many.. so many meaningful things.. but do i mean it.. i can't even get myself through.. i am a sucker.. ya.. go ahead and say what you want about me.. why am i a sucker.. don't ask me.. maybe.. i am angry.. i am too work up.. whatever.. life sucks..

i am tired..

i don't want to think..

my blog is sad.. my entry's are sad.. i am sad..

sometimes.. i ask.. why am i living in such a way..

it's normal for people to want to live happy.. but why do i choose this route..

much as i want to leave all of you..

i couldn't bear to do so..

coz i am a coward.. i am scare of loneliness..

i don't know how you guys are feeling now..

i very sad.. sad about everything..

tears.. yes.. i am crying..

once again.. i am thinking about the past..

i am thinking about so many things.. i think too much..

i feel like talking to someone now..

the person need not be close.. just anybody..

and then what was my decision..

i want to be alone..

=(

...

Heli Dont ask me why 6:38 PM

Sunday, August 17

Too tired to post anything yesterday. Had a fun time though at the Indoor Stadium. The Hillsong Concert. As expected, there were so many people around and pratically filled up the whole stadium. Went with gnotos.. Well, we were quite early and manage to sit at a rather comfortable position. Hm.. and on this very day, sort of feel as if i am so close to Him.. while singing, some of the songs don't really know how to sing so was looking around the whole stadium. Almost everyone had raised their hands and.. like sunk into their own world.. i mean.. it's really unbelievable.. and another thing i couldn't understand myself was.. i did raised up my hand as well.. i mean.. firstly i am not a christian.. and secondly, i just feel like lifting my hands up.. actually, what does it means by lifting your hands up? i don't know the reason.. but i did.

And there was the auto call. Lots of people ran down to the stage.. lots.. and then my mind was struggling.. i know deeply in my heart.. much as i wished to go down.. i couldn't do so.. and the very reason.. simple reason was because of my family.. though it's true that it's just a relationship between me and God. And then, i was already happy enough that i am able to attend church almost all sundays.. and then know more about Him. Actually, i see no difference even if i am one or not.. i just believe in him. Actually, certain things which the christians believe and do, i.. don't agree and like it.. i think, if there's really really God.. and if i don't acknowledge as one.. but i am believing it.. i think God would still take care of me.. arh.. don't know what i am talking too..

Hm.. if only i can make my own decisions.. if only i am old enough.. =/

Yesterday's sleeping was terrible... serious headache.. and then i am shivering.. imagine the fan was blowing at the lowest speed.. shivering.. maybe because of yesterday's drizzle.. but can't be that i fall sick so easily ba.. try to go back to sleep.. and then i woke up today.. told myself today sure not feeling good.. lunch dad bought packet of chicken rice. I ate a few mouths.. then full le.. don't know was it because i yesterday didn't eat or the sugarcane i drank.. anyway, had quite a fun time yesterday.. gtg and study le.. prelims in a week time.. (>.<)

Heli Dont ask me why 2:49 PM

Friday, August 15

Is it true that we can tell ourselves not to feel? To me, it is easier to make myself don't feel so much rather than think too much. So does that makes me a more logical rather than emotional person? Countless of personality test have i taken.. and i am still wondering.. what makes me ME.. hmz.. but actually so what if i know myself.. i will still be myself. ah.. thoughts and thoughts. nvm.

But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer.

Heli Dont ask me why 10:45 PM

Thursday, August 14

got back the results for our mother tongue o level yesterday. our school overall performance was rather good. at least it improved as compared to the previous years. and if you still don't know, i got a B3. take it that i am disappointed.. sad.. whatever. and the next thing you are gonna say "B3.. it's good already. you have put in your effort." fine. i have heard this many times and it's enough. I am alright anyway. just a certain level of disappointment. but it's already over. the only thing i can do is to probably retake. it would be a tough decision because i may not need chinese for my L1R5.. but still it's good to retake.. right? (perhaps you would like to offer your views?)

anyway, humans are never happy i guess... those that achieve B3 will be thinking why a B3.. after putting so much effort and still a B.. and those A2 will think.. why an A2.. but not an A1.. and for those A1.. they should be happy.. but seeing their own peers feeling so sad.. isn't this ironic? what a world..

but anyway, i admit i belong to the category. i am not happy getting a B3 at all. it's unfair when you put in effort not much lesser than the others and yet he or she score higher than you. this is it. i have high expectation on myself. this is me. i am not wrong am i? but anyway, i sort of accept it. this world is unfair anyway.. i can't do anything about it.. can i? say all you want about me grumbling or whatever here.. do i sound insulting lately? =/

Heli Dont ask me why 6:51 PM

Tuesday, August 12

Sudden urge to glance through the comments you guys had written in my blog. Sort of reinforce me that there are many that care and know about me. Kind of boost my morale.. and kind of sadden me too. I would say that i am a person that keeps turning back at the past while continuing my journey in life. I read the past few entries of other's blog too. Scrolling the blogs up and down, my mind raced through the things i had actually overcome or rather gone through. And the other day was talking to jl over the phone yesterday. We talked about how i pull through the times when my mum was in the hospital... and then the funeral. I hope i don't portrait an image that i am boasting. She shared with me that she wrote about me in her compo and that she talked about me when posted a conversation topic for oral. I was stunned and i asked myself.. and while reading those comments.. it just hit upon me that... am i really.. that brave? that worth remembering.. to the extend that some just talk about me? many commented about me being brave.. determine.. i didn't want to believe in it.. but i think.. i had gone through so much.. and i think i am worthy of a little bravery.. and now looking back.. it was really kind of unbelievable that i had really pull through that hurdle.. and needless to say, i am thinking about the past now..

i asked myself.. how many people.. how many souls have i touch.. have i make a difference in your life? have i been a hindrance to most of you.. i had written letters to many.. left some meaninful message to many of you.. i'm sorry guys... i can't help thinking what if one day.. all these precious memories just disappear in my mind? and that.. each and everyone of you will be forgotten? or.. maybe one day i just perish from this world..? what if one day all you could do nothing but see me lying on the bed.. and there are probably just a few more hours.. minutes.. or even seconds that you will get to see me breathing.. smiling? what would be the last few things you want to say to me..? or..

It's rather saddening to carry on. but anyway, it's good to blog this out right? but guys don't worry, i am not foolish.

My steps home today are heavy. slow. I realised i had travelled too fast in life. far too fast. Sometimes things happened around me and that i miss them. slow down. The way home today.. slow.. peaceful.. quiet.. i am smiling.

Heli Dont ask me why 6:03 PM

Monday, August 11

I watch the world go round and round
And my life goes by at the speed of sound
I walk the night
And I wonder just where I belong

My heart is young, but my soul is old
I've never been one to do what I was told
My back to the wall
Is the only place I can feel strong

I've always wondered how to know right from wrong
Looking for a reason to replace what is gone
But somehow the road just seems to lead right back to me

"..somehow the road just seems to lead right back to me.."

Heli Dont ask me why 11:14 PM

Sunday, August 10

arr.. i think my back is giving a lot of problems. Left back strained. But i don't remember doing any overexerting work outs. I didn't even play for the interhouse game. Tension or tiredness. Can't sleep properly.. while doing homework also so uncomfortable. Ah.. somebody please pray for me that it will go away.. =/

Heli Dont ask me why 7:17 PM

Happy Birthday Singapore. don't know what else to blog today. ...

Saturday 8th of August.

Woke up with a certain level of enthusiasm and look forward to the day. It was important to me.. and probably to a few more hundreds. Sort of last stage between the 4 houses. Lots of things happened. Frustration, sadness, dissapointment, and then to numbness. It wasn't a good day. The cheerings already crushed my heart. However, to be honest i was rather pleased with the house though it was really sad that we did not clinch any 1st or 2nd for the cheerings. They had really improved as compared to the cheerings on x-country. Lots of hardwork had been put in.. a big thank you to those of you. And then the games. I think most of you would know what happened and what my stand is. I shan't comment much. As for the aftermath.. all of us flared. I couldn't contain those anger boiling within me. Neither could my peers and i hereby apologise to those i ignored, or said some nasty remarks, i'm sorry. But i realised that.. i had no control of what i am thinking. I walked away from my house committee and just wished to be left alone. And it's ironic.. coz i don't know what's going on in my mind. I just wanted to shut the whole world and be by myself. I know my face was damn "black" an that nobody dares to talk to me. sorry guys.. wasn't feeling good. =/

Jaguarians: Guys, you have done well. I don't care if we are champion or not in the end.. i don't care if we lost in the last game.. i don't care if we didn't clinch any award anymore.. to me, what had happened on the national day had shown me more than enough. I guess it isn't the trophies.. awards that matters. It's the journey.. the battle we had fought all along that's more important. I am proud to say, we had done very well. To me, jaguar is the best. Jaguar is a champion in my heart. Stay it this way. I am proud of every single one of you.

Realise it's the same old feeling. Fought so hard till so far, yet in the end even if it's champion.. i am not overwhelmed or very happy. not that i am not satisfied with the results, but i have no idea why i am feeling this way. And i feel as if i had turned into an unemotional person. No feelings.. just plainly felts. And i don't know why, don't start commenting about me saying this again. i am just not a good representive of jaguar house. When things are not done the right way, i am not there to fight it back. Am i just.. timid? It appeals to my current post in the SL board as well. I kept reflecting on myself, what was wrong with me? i drifting... suddenly feel as if the whole world had gone. Once enjoyed their presence while moving on with life. now i am feeling i am alone. why do people always had this kind of lonely feeling?

Certain things.. it's just out of reach for us. That's life.

Heli Dont ask me why 12:51 AM

Thursday, August 7

The day is almost ending. Darkness had earlier on descended like a blanket. How many guessed what your thoughts were today? Our thoughts went from dreams to memories. And then we wonder why the truth seems so unkind. It just gets tighter and tighter. How many add a sparkle to your day by saying something good? And how many had caused you much sadness with some nasty remarks? Everyone passed by you. Did anyone leave a shell on the beach of yours today?

Vision is fading. What's holding onto me?

Heli Dont ask me why 11:09 PM

Are you easily stressed?

Heli Dont ask me why 11:07 PM

Tuesday, August 5

look at the sea. how big can it gets? it's spread out to the big whole ocean. it wouldn't disappear today. it would not tomorrow. neither will it in the future. look at the street. how long quiet can it get? it's always bustling with people. they wouldn't disappear toay. they would not tomorrow. neither will they disappear in the future. A yatch drifting in that big ocean... a lost soul drifting among the crowd. The problem will never end.. the ocean would not disappear... The people that once crossed your life will never perish... they will leave a footprint in your life... they shall never be forgotten. never.

the perfect gift - the gift of love

Heli Dont ask me why 11:12 PM

Monday, August 4

Look at me
You may think you see
Who I really am
But you'll never know me
Every day
It's as if I play a part
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

I am now
In a world where I
Have to hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world
What's inside my heart
And be loved for who I am

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection
Someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that I'm
Someone else?
For all time
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

There's a heart that must be free to fly
That burns with a need to know the reason why

Why must we all conceal
What we think?
How we feel?
Must there be a secret me?
I'm forced to hide
I won't pretend that I'm
Someone else
For all time
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

When will my reflection show.. who I am inside..

Heli Dont ask me why 10:40 PM

Sunday, August 3

guess everybody's busy. had been at home the whole day trying to complete my assignments. And i realised how time passes by without hesitation. Every thing is like moving so fast. Or was it because i am too slow? In class, find myself couldn't catch up with lessons.. i am like.. suddenly so retarded. prelims coming very soon. i am not at all confident with any of my subjects. Not a single one. But i have to work hard. I don't want to end up nowhere during my first three months. I think everybody is feeling the stress too. Shall i urged everyone to encourage each other? We are facing the first battle. All of us are facing the common enemy. Let's brace ourselves, and face it bravely. Fight on guys.

Heli Dont ask me why 10:32 PM

Saturday, August 2

This is how it has to be.

Very hectic week indeed. Loads of homework to complete. Attending interview that wasn't what i expected. Criticised by teachers for not doing my job well. Flaring up in front of my peers about some small issue. Singing song to our dear house master. Watching a fantastic soccer match with lots more supporters. Stumbling home with a "don't want to go home" mind. Ending a night with full of thoughts and dreams. And here i am.

I am not physically tired.. but more of mentality. I think i am not happy with the things i am doing. Each day passed by so quickly that i don't have the time to breathe. I only find myself shut in a world of results and studies. Just on wed, the newpaper reported jc students commiting suicide. And i find that this society is getting more and more pathetic. Look at the students nowadays. Other than exceling in studies, what else good? Just "sorry" and "thank you", is it so difficult? What has the society plunged into? What's all these about character building? More than once, i wanted to write a letter to the forum regarding the society we are living in apparently. Yes, we are improving in terms of technology and brains. But what about human character? Back sliding? I think, it is getting more and more ugly. Yucks.

I stared at you and i saw the tears.
Colour on your face is fading.
You're crying, and i know.
What else can i do but to wipe them away?

Thoughts of you consume me every night.
Sometimes just a little wish.
That i would see you in my dreams
What else can i do but to ask again?

I need to laugh again without feeling guilty.
I promise to keep you safe.
Where you have always been of course.
In my heart, that's the place...

Heli Dont ask me why 3:40 PM

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